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Home on the Range | Part 2

Quotes Maybe we came at a bad time. Charge! How dare you? Oh! Daddy? Son! I say! What did I do? That does it! Hoof it on out of here, ladies! Go on! Oh, come back! That was the best dang show we ever had! You've been on the trail too long, you old coot. What kind of sheriff's office is that? Dancing girls, gambling How does he ever get any work done? If that's the sheriff's office, this town rocks. Well, if it isn't three maids amilkin'. You girls a little far from home, aren't ya? Well, if it isn't the phony express. We want a word with you about this. What's that? What is that? I believe you left this on our farm. Wait a minute. The place went bankrupt. Your farm is history. Don't you heifers get it? Hold on, you two! Give us two more weeks and we'll have at least sixty bucks in prize money to Ahahah. You got three days to pay or get on your way. And sixty bucks don't cut it. Looks like you need about Hmm, I'd say seven hundred and fifty of 'em. But, Maggie, where are we gonna get all that money? Well, maybe Maggie can just pull it out of her ear. Hey, watch it, Caloway. Who is that? Don't you know a hero when you see one, huh? That's Rico the best dang bounty hunter this side of the Pecos. I could guess from here to tomorrow but I don't know how you do it, Rico. Where's my money? Well, all right, I got it right here for you. Hey, they're giving away free money! So, who else is out there? The only varmint left is that lowdown, goodfornothin' Alameda Slim. Cattle rustler. What's the bounty? 750 I got it! Why don't we go nab that Alameda Slim and use the reward money to save the farm? Oh, that is a sensible idea. I knew you'd love it! Don't they have sarcasm where you come from? Oh, wake up and smell the alfalfa! It's perfect! I'm gonna need a fresh horse. Hmm, a horse. A horse. Let me think. I reckon you'd want a fast horse, huh? Real fast? Course, he'd also have to be able to go for days without food or drink stealthy, surefooted in any terrain Look at me! What about that horse? What, you mean Buck here? Boy, I don't know. Buck's fast, all right, but he's kind of a handful. He'll do. Well, suit yourself. Rico's saddle! I'm wearing Rico's saddle! Great. I'll leave you two alone. Ohh, oh, no. No, no, no. There is no way in heaven or earth that cows can catch an outlaw. Look, all we've got to do is follow this chuck wagon to a cattle drive. And then, you see we let the bad guys come to us. We've no reason to believe this chuck wagon is heading off to a cattle drive. Hey, Tommy! Have fun on that cattle drive! All right, then. I think it is headed toward a cattle drive. We are not following this wagon, and that is final. Come on, Caloway. It'll be fun! Did you just hit me? Kinda. Well, stop it. Why? Because I don't like it. Oh, no. Not the hat. What? What about the All right, all right violence is not going to solve anything. Why don't we all take a deep cleansing breath Hey, now! Mud wrestling! What in tarnation? Maggie, for the last time I will not be roped into this scheme. Come on, you crazy heifers! Come on! Hey, partner, curb your livestock. This town is clean! Not exactly what I had in mind, but this'll work. Well, it doesn't work for me! Adios, Buck. Take care of Rico now. Hasta la vista, heifers! Sold! What was that? It's a farm auction, ladies. And that's the last of the furniture. The final item to be auctioned is this piece of real property known heretofore as the Dixon farm. Do I hear 425? 425! Do I hear 450? 450? What's going to happen to the cow who lived there? She'll be OK. How do you know? You're lookin' at her. This was your farm? We had, like, a family, too, you know. What happened? Alameda Slim happened. Sold to Mr. Yancy O'Del! Pleasure doing business with you. Cattle drive. Told ya. You both owe me a dollar. Step lightly, girls. The male of the species can be extremely hostile. Oh, come on, Caloway. It's not like they haven't seen a cow before. What? Huh? Check it out. Ooh, dairy cows! Oh, hey, how's it going? Oh, hello. Let me guess. You're a Taurus. Look, just keep moving and avoid eye contact. Pardon me, but what are three lovely ladies like you doing on a drive like this? Just ignore them, and perhaps they'll go away. They seem like nice guys. Maybe they can help us. Sure we can help you. Maybe we can help each other. Look, loverbull, we're here strictly on business. Sounds pretty exciting. What kind of business? We're looking for a cattle rustler named Alameda Slim. It doesn't hurt to ask. Slim's just a scary bedtime story to get little calves to behave. What was that? It must be Slim and the Willies. Slim and the Willies? Don't worry, darlin'. I'll protect you. You have exactly two seconds to remove your hoof before I snap it off at the knee. Oh, uh, sorry, ma'am. I thought you were the blonde. Come on, girls. It's time to lose these ropes. Where you going? Maggie, I'm stuck. Look out! It's payback time. Cover me! With what? Howdy, Slim. Howdy, Slim. Quiet, you fools. We've got work to do. Now listen up. Here we go, boys! 5,000 cattle in the side pocket! Maggie! Mrs. Caloway! Snap out of it! Rico, if you'd just been a second earlier you'd have had that rustler dead to rights. You boys see anything before I got here? Yeah, we sure did there, Rico. We were just settin' down to supper when all of a sudden the lights went out. All right, what part of cover me" didn't we understand? You guys OK? I don't know. I feel like I was dreaming. Yeah. Slim started singing and all of a sudden I lost track of everything.
Singing? That didn't sound like singing to me. And, you know, I have perfect pitch. Uh, yes. Grace, about your perfect pitch Not now, Maggie. All right, show's over! You're interfering with official police bidness! Be right with you, big guy. Buck is on the case. You know. Don't embarrass me in front of my partner. Please! You and he are partners? How does that work exactly? Do you get to ride him on odd days or even? He chose me specifically because I have skills that are essential to capturing our quarry. You boys headed back to town? Yes, sir. We got to go file a report with the sheriff. Give him back his horse. This one's too skittish around cows. And that, girls, is what makes me and Rico equal parts of one lean mean crimefighting machine? Well, there it is, then. Well, well, well, stud. Now, I'm no professional but I'd say the only mano a mano you'll be doing is in your dreams. Oh, look out, Buck. He's making a move on your left flank. Kaboosh! Maggie! Grace! Leave that poor animal alone. Buck, I realize you're very upset but if you'd like to join our group and help us bring in Slim, we'd be happy to have you. However, there are a few angermanagement issues we need to discuss. I wouldn't help you bossy bovines if my life depended on it! You see, that's just what I'm talking about. Come on, girls. Let's go get Slim. Come on, girls, let's go get Slim. Cudchewing heifers. I can catch that Slim with one hoof tied behind my back. Wait a minute. Why don't l? Yes! Partner or no partner, that's what I'm a do. Hey! Hold the horse now. Forget it. Definitely bipolar. Move it, sister! Hero passing on the left! Hey, watch it. Where are you going, hotfoot? I'm gonna go nab that rustler and show Rico I got what it takes so say goodbye to your farm, girls, because Slim is mine. It's hero time! Watch out now! Hey! Get back! Jump back! Kiss myself! Oh, this is a fine kettle of fish. How can we compete with that? Look at the bright side, Mrs. C. Don't forget about our secret weapon. Secret weapon? Who better to catch a cattle thief than a cow? Yeah, even you can't argue with that kind of logic. OK, maybe you can. You know, Grace Maggie does so love your singing. How about a song? I'm gonna get you for this. 5,000 Texas longhorns. Not bad for one night's work. Pick a color. I said, not bad for one night's work. What? Thank you. And judging by the ear mark I'd say these are the last of Big Mike Donald's herd. Big Mike Donald had a farm? That's right. He had a farm. Now that all his cash cows have disappeared that poor sap's gonna be flat broke. Perfect time for a certain upstanding land owner to step in and take all the land. Who are you? What did you do with Uncle Slim? Put up your dukes, Mr. Fancy Britches. It's me. Hello? This here is the disguise I use to sneak into all them auctions and buy all the land, you brainless monotone monkeys. Shoot, you got to be the richest land baron in the west. Yes, but the part that really warms my heart is watching those homesteaders suffer. Back in the day, I worked the highfalutinest ranches you ever seen but those stuckup ranch bosses couldn't appreciate my talents. Maybe they just didn't like your singing. Songbirds sing. Saloon gals sing. Little bitty snotnosed children sing. I yodel! And yodeling is an art! Well, maybe they just didn't like your yodeling. He didn't mean it, Uncle Slim. Everybody likes yodeling. It's one of the funniest, cornball, goofy, silly sounds in the whole west.

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Home on the Range (2004)
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part 3
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part 4