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Home on the Range | Part 3

Quotes Am I correct in assuming that each and every time we brought a herd back to this secret lair you've managed to sit in the exact same spot blocking that choice piece of property from my view?! This is my comfy place. It's called Patch of Heaven, Uncle Slim. Goes on auction Thursday morning. Perfect. Pencil it in. Thursday morningright after we sell off this herd. But it's just a little old dirt farm. Ah, what's the difference? When you're talking revenge, every last acre counts. I don't get it. Weren't the cows supposed to come back? Daddy, what's going to happen if they don't come back? Oh, but they are coming back. Hogwash! We all know they're never coming back. You don't know that, Jeb. Everybody knows that bovines are the most intelligent, crafty animals in the west. Yeah. He's right, you know. It doesn't take a cow to figure out they saw the writing on the wall and flown the coop while the getting was good. What? Oh, no! They tricked us and deserted us! No, no. AudAudrey. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me! Let's not forget who we're talkin' 'bout. Audrey, remember when Grace helped you figure out why you crossed the road? And, Jeb, Miss Caloway knew just what to do when your head got stuck in that spittoon. Get off my case! And Maggie was gonna make us all winners. I truly believe there ain't nothin' those three cows can't do. Well, whatever they're gonna do, they better do it soon. I'm so very sorry, Pearl. It's a real shame. It is. Ollie, I don't know what's worse losing my farm to the highest bidder or knowing thatthat my girls are lost and alone out there. Come on, girls. Either I'm getting good at this or his scent is getting stronger. Go get him, Maggie. Look out, Slim! No. It can't be. We're on your trail! This has Buck written all over it. We're not gonna let this dumb old trick stop us. Sooner or later, all these paths will hook up, and then Oh, no, the tracks! Hurry up, girls. Don't lose that trail. What trail? I can't see anything. Look out! Flash flood! Get to high ground! No! Come on, girls, we can't give up! Maggie, that's enough. The minute this lets up we're heading straight home to Patch of Heaven. But what about catching Slim and collecting the reward? We never had a prayer of catching Slim in the first place. This whole ridiculous plan is just so you can get revenge on those cattle rustlers. For your information, duchess this whole ridiculous plan is about us saving our farm. Our farm might've had a fighting chance until you came along. What's that supposed to mean? Strutting around with your vulgar showcow behavior. I was just having Wasting our time on your foolish plans. Through the years, Patch of Heaven has survived every hardship that nature can dish out but you, Maggie are the biggest catastrophe to ever hit our farm. Well, if that's the way you feel about it maybe we should just go our separate ways. Now, that's the first good idea you've ever had. Fine! Yeah. Fine. It's not like your farm was ever gonna feel like home to me anyways. Wake up. Check, please! It tasted a lot better in my sleep. Well, I suppose you'll be off now. Where will you go? Oh, probably check out the Grand Canyon. See Utah before I die. Wait a minute. Where's Grace? Hi, there. Boy, am I glad you guys are up. Hey, come look at this. What on earth? Where did all this come from? Hey, it's green, it's leafy, and it's free. Shut up and eat. Good morning, ladies. I see you're already tucked into your appetizer. Never knew a pretty lady that didn't have an appetite. Oh, now, see here, you ruffian He's not a ruffian, Mrs. Caloway. He's a genuine desert shaman our very own wise man. Shaman, chef, chief cook, and bottle washer. I'm a jackrabbit of all trades and at your service. Folks around these parts call me Lucky Jack. Yep, they used to come from miles around just to get one rub of my lucky rabbit's foot. This happens all the time. Now, where was l? Now let me just get this on the fire and it'll be ready directly. We don't eat meat. It's kind of like a professional courtesy. Perhaps we'll dine with you some other time. You see, Grace and l are returning to our farm to say our last goodbyes. Yeah. We need closure. I can sympathize there, sister, I truly can. Until recently, I, too, had a home. Echo Mine it was called. Us jackrabbits lived there for generation after generation. Till some landgrabbing bandit moved in and flushed us out like yesterday's oatmeal.
 
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Excuse us. My good fellow, we must be on our way. Wait! There he is! Slim! You mean this nogood varmint is hiding out in Echo Mine right now? Without a doubt. Maggie, what are you thinking? Look, I got a score to settle with that rhinestone fat boy and nothing to lose. But it'll be dangerous going after Slim all by yourself. Hey, I got the rabbit. That's not all you got, Maggie. You got us. We are sticking to our plan and going home. Hold on, you two. As strange as this sounds, Grace is actually making sense. Thank you. You want the money and I want to get even with Slim. The three of us go together, and we're sure to get him. Once you collect the reward, I'll walk out your front gate and I'll stay out of it forever. Deal? Your powers of persuasion are uncanny. Deal. Ha! Bovine bounty hunters! Now I've seen everything. Let's get moving, ladies. Let's get moving, ladies. Time for an underground smackdown. OK, boys, let's go through it one last time. Who am l? Uncle Slim? Correct! I put on my hat then I put on my spectacles Who're you? Where's Uncle Slim? It's still me! Can't you stupid sack of hammers get it right? The everpunctual Mr. Weaseley. OK, everybody make way for the big man in black market livestock. Hey, who're you? All right, come on! Move it, Bessie, or I'll tan your hides right here. Watch the suit! Watch the suit! Feast your eyes. 5,000 cows on the barrelhead as promised, Mr. Weaseley. The name's Wesley. So, Slim, what do you say we get a move on and load these cash cows onto the train A.S.A.P., huh? Let's go. Yes, yes, of course. Just as soon as I finish counting. Lucky Jack, you did it! We're here! Well, I take my hat off to you, Jack. But you've got us here in one piece. Well, seein' is believin'. And I don't believe what I see. Oh, it's Buck! Stallion of the Cimmoron. I'm supposed to be here just in case one of the horses get tired. Cows only. Look, friend, you don't understand my situation. No, you don't understand so I'll say it again. The only critters that get by me are cows. Cows only. Come on! Cut me a break. Now what? What are you doing here? Sorry we're late. We got separated from the herd. Right this way, little lady. Tell 'em Junior sent you. Nice hat, ma'am. Cheeky devil. Excuse me, reject. Coming through. Hey, what gives?! How come they got to go through? They're cows. What?! But what about the rabbit? Well, obviously, he was with the cows. I'm with the cows, too! Yeah! Hey! Hey, cows! Wwait up! You got to tell this guy you know me! See, Junior, we're old friends! Come on, Margie! Uh, Gretchen! Miss, uhuh, Hat Cow! Come on, it's your old pal Buck, see? Nah, doesn't ring a bell. No, no, no, wait! Hey, come back! No! Hang onhang on a second. They're just kidding. You see, if you could Don't make me hurt you. I gotta go, but let's throw on the old feedbag sometime. Stay cool. It's hero time. So what's the plan? Well, let's see You two get his attention while I sneak up behind him and then I'll knock him into the cart and then we'll rope him up and wheel him to justice! And for extra measure how about we conk him on the noggin with this? You go, cowgirl! That's usin' the old hat. You lost me here, missy. It's simple. Cart, smack, rope, roll, justice. Come on, Jack, focus. Now is not the time to get all scatterbrained and flaky.

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Home on the Range (2004)
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part 4