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Full script with picturesBERNARD: There's something I want... MISS BIANCA: I know exactly what you're going to say. Francois told me all about it. BERNARD: He did? How did he know? MISS BIANCA: Oh, it doesn't matter. I think it's a marvelous idea. BERNARD: You do? I mean, you
really want to?
MISS BIANCA: I don't think it's a matter of wanting, it's a matter of duty.
BERNARD: Duty? I never thought of it Well, um, all right. How does next, uh next April sound to you?
MISS BIANCA: Heavens no! We must act immediately, tonight!
BERNARD: Tonight? But, uh, wait! Uh, Bianca, this is so sudden. I mean, don't you at least need a gown or something?
MISS BIANCA: No. Just a pair of khaki shorts and some hiking boots.
BERNARD: Hiking boots?
CHAIRMAN: Ah, there you are! Now come along, come along, come along.
MISS BIANCA: Delegates, we have an important announcement. Bernard and I have decided to accept the mission to Australia.
CHAIRMAN: Oh, good show! Now, you must fly out immediately! It's a little nippy outside, but we won't let that stop us, will we?
BERNARD: What? Miss Bianca, I'm not sure it's such a good idea to-to fly this soon after eating!
MISS BIANCA: Darling, you'll be just fine.
BERNARD: But aren't you supposed to wait 45 minutes?
MISS BIANCA: Oh, just knock on the door and see if Orville is there.
BERNARD: Well, nobody's home. Let's go.
MISS BIANCA: Bernard, this is no time to play in the snow!
BERNARD: I wasn't playing in the snow. It was an avalanche.
MISS BIANCA: Oh, look, Bernard! Under new management. See Wilbur. Come on, darling. Let's get a move out.
MISS BIANCA: Mr. Wilbur. Excuse me Bernard, do something.
WILBUR: Hey, who killed the music?
BERNARD: That's better.
MISS BIANCA: Excuse us for interrupting. We are from the Rescue Aid Society. I am Miss Bianca and this is my
WILBUR: Miss Bianca? Miss Bianca? I don't believe it. My brother Orville told me all about you. Oh, boy! This is an honor to have May I just say Enchant, senorita to you? May I?
BERNARD: We need to charter a flight.
WILBUR: Well, you've come to the right place, buddy boy. Welcome to Albatross Air. A Fair Fare From Here To There. You get it? A fair fare. It's-It's a play on Never mind. I've got tons of exotic destinations, faraway places custom designed for a romantic weekend getaway as well as the finest in-flight accommodations. Speaking of which, what can I get you? How about a nice Mango Maui Cooler? Very, very nice. Very tasty.
MISS BIANCA: No, thank you.
WILBUR: Or a, uh Oh, the Coconut Guava Nectar. It's carbonated, very nice. I got little umbrellas for each one of them, in a little coconut thing.
MISS BIANCA: No! It's urgent that we leave immediately!
WILBUR: Nothing? Nothing at all?
WILBUR: How about a cream soda? BERNARD: Now look! We need a flight to Australia!
WILBUR: Australia? The land down under? That's a fabulous idea! So when can I pencil you in? Uh, after spring thaw? You know, mid-June would be very nice.
MISS BIANCA: Oh, no. We must leave tonight!
WILBUR: Tonight? Come on. You're kidding me, right? Have you looked outside? It's suicide out there! Oh, no! I'm afraid your jolly little holiday will have to wait. What a bunch of jokers!
MISS BIANCA: But you don't understand. A boy needs our help. He's in trouble!
WILBUR: Boy? You mean, little kid kind of boy?
MISS BIANCA: He was kidnapped!
WILBUR: Kidnapped? Oh, that-that's awful, locking up a little kid. Kids should be free to run wild through the house on Saturday mornings free to have cookies and milk a-and get those little white moustaches, you know. Nobody's gonna take a kid's freedom away while I'm around! Nobody! You hear me?
MISS BIANCA: Does that mean you'll take us?
WILBUR: Storm or no storm, Albatross Airlines at your service! Passengers are requested to please fasten their seat belts and secure all carry-ones. We'll be departing following our standard preflight maintenance. Thank you. Yeah, loosen up, get the blood flowing up to the head. And a couple of these. Oh! Okay, one's enough. There we go. Oh! Ow! Yeah, that feels better! Oh, baby! Tie your kangaroos down, sports fans! Here we come! Yeah! Let's go for it! Whoa! Hey! Ho! Hey, I didn't adjust for the wind! All right, we're gonna make it! I just had to duck down a little lower, that's all, go under the wind, go under it. Here we go! Ow, this is cold! Whoa! Hey! Whoa! Hey, slippery! Ice! Ice! We got ice! We got ice! Whoa! Hang on now! Whoa! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Oh! Cowabunga!
MISS BIANCA: Captain, is this a nonstop flight to Australia?
WILBUR: Well, uh, not exactly, no. Uh, I could definitely say no. We're gonna have to make connections with a bigger bird. Nonstop? What do I look like, Charles Lindbergh?
CODY: Let me out of here! Let me go! You can't do this! Help! Help! Help!
MCLEACH: Breaker, breaker, little mate. I forgot to tell you. Around here, you need to be quiet! Or the Rangers might hear you. Now sit down and relax. Enjoy the view. Nothing but abandoned opal mines as far as the eye can see. And dead ahead is home sweet home. Home, home on the range where critters are tied up in chains I cut through their sides And I rip off their hides and the next day I do it again everybody! Home, home on the range
MOTHER: Cody! Cody! Cody!
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, flight 12 is now approaching Sydney Airport. Make sure your seat belts are fastened and the tables secured and enjoy your stay in Australia.
BERNARD: Are we there yet?
MISS BIANCA: Yes. You know, perhaps we should wake up Wilbur.
BERNARD: Oh, all right. I'll get him up. Wilbur? Wilbur!
WILBUR: Yeah. Just five more minutes, Ma.
WILBUR: That's all I need, five more minutes.
MISS BIANCA: Wilbur, are you awake?
BERNARD: Get up! We're there!
WILBUR: Okay, I'm up, I'm up.
BERNARD: Watch out! You're Oh!
WILBUR: I must've been sleeping on a bolt. Oh, boy! Throw another shrimp on the barbie, girls, 'cause here I come! Here we go again! Cannonball! Gangway! Coming through! Mice on board! Clear the way! Pull over, madam! There you go! Coming through, sir! Thank you! Next stop, Mugwomp Flats! Did we lose anyone back there?
BERNARD: Miss Bianca, from now on, can't we just take the train?
JAKE: Well, Sparky, you've had this coming for a long time and now you're gonna get it. Wise fly. WILBUR: Mugwomp tower! Mugwomp tower! This is Albatross 1-3 requesting permission to land. Over.
JAKE: Albatross? Let's see. Finch, wren, scrub bird, lorikeet, freckled duck galah, kookaburra, parrot, cockatoo, Alba-Albatro It's a jumbo! Negative, 1-3. You'll have to turn back. Our runway isn't long enough for a bird your size.
WILBUR: Not long enough? Look, pal! I can land this thing on a dime! Uh, Wilbur, if-if the runway isn't long enough Listen, you can't let these radar jockeys push you around! Just leave it to me, all right?
JAKE: I say again, mate, our runway is too short.
WILBUR: And I say again, mate, I'm coming in!
JAKE: Crazy Yank. Quick, Sparky, we gotta find a way to extend the runway!
WILBUR: Here we go! We'll never make it! Passengers, please remain seated until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop. Thank you. Whoa! Whoa! JAKE: Quick, Sparky! We need to make a dragline!
WILBUR: Whoa! Now don't try and tell me the runway's too short. Hold this for me, will ya, pal?
JAKE: Bloke ought a have his wings clipped.
WILBUR: Your captain thanks you for flying Albatross Airlines. Please gather all carry-ons.
JAKE: Crazy Yanks. They think they can do any fool thing without regard for Oh, no. Welcome to Australia, ma'am. My name's Jake, and if there's any way I can make your stay more pleasant, don't hesitate to ask.
MISS BIANCA: Oh, how kind.
JAKE: Allow me to get that bag for you.
BERNARD: I've got a lot of, uh, luggage here.
WILBUR: Here, let me give you a hand with those bags, pal. All part of the friendly service here at Albatross Ow! Oh-oh! Big-time hurt! Ah, back! Oh, it's out!
MISS BIANCA: Wilbur, are you all right?
JAKE: Don't worry, ma'am. I'll handle this. Sparky, you watch the tower. We gotta get this bird to the hospital.
WILBUR: Can't go down, can't go up. Oh! Take the bags, take the bags. Hey, what are you doing? Hey, what's going on? Wait! Hey, wait a minute! Just stop everything!
MISS BIANCA: Wilbur, don't worry. We'll come back the moment we find the boy.
WILBUR: Wait! Hey, wait a minute! Don't leave me here, please! I'm feeling much better now. I'm even ready to hit the beaches. I'm even ready to mambo.
MISS BIANCA: Doctor, will he be all right?
DOCTOR: Now, now, my dear, keep a stiff upper lip. They all come in with a whimper and leave with a grin. Off with you now. Leave everything to me. Shoo-shoo. Off you go. Hop to it, ladies. We've got a bent bird on our hands. Move, move, move. Bustle, bustle, bustle. That's it.
BERNARD: Will it-Will it hurt, Doc?
DOCTOR: Dear boy, you won't feel a thing. Launch the back brace!
WILBUR: Hey! Hey, wait! Wait! Whoa! I've been skewered!
DOCTOR: I've already missed tea, Mr. Albatross. Now don't force me to take drastic measures. You must relax.
WILBUR: Relax? I have never been more relaxed in my life! If I were any more relaxed, I'd be dead!
DOCTOR: I'm not convinced. Sixty milligrams!
NURSE MOUSE: Sixty milligrams.
WILBUR: Hey, what. Are you guys’ crazy? You can't do that to me! I'm an American citizen, buddy!
DOCTOR: Better double it!
NURSE MOUSE: Double, coming up.
DOCTOR: Prepare the albatross for medication.
WILBUR: I'm dreaming! I'm dreaming!
DOCTOR: Come on, Wilbur! Wake up, boy! Wake up! Three degrees right! Come on! NURSE MOUSE: Three degrees right!
WILBUR: I got the joke!
DOCTOR: Down two degrees!
WILBUR: Oh, no! Don't go down two degrees!
NURSE MOUSE: Down two degrees.
WILBUR: No, I'm not ready! Don't, please! Aim! Oh, please don't do this to me!
WILBUR: Ow! Whoa! Oh, whoa!
BERNARD: Now we just gotta figure out how to get there.
JAKE: So, you and your, um, uh, husband here on a little outback excursion?
MISS BIANCA: Oh, no, no. We're not married.
BERNARD: In fact, we're, uh-we're here on a top, uh, secret mission. Very, very hush-hush.
JAKE: Oh. Gonna rescue that kid McLeach nabbed, eh?
MISS BIANCA: Why, that's right! How did you know?
JAKE: You'll find it's tough to keep secrets in the outback, miss. So, um, which way you taking, uh Suicide Trail through Nightmare Canyon or the short cut at Satan's Ridge? Good choice. More snakes, but less quicksand. Then once you cross Bloodworm Creek, you're scot-free. That is, until, uh, Dead Dingo Pass.
BERNARD: Wait, wait, wait a minute. I don't I don't see any of that stuff on the map.
JAKE: A map's no good in the outback. What you really need is someone who knows the territory.
MISS BIANCA: Oh, Mr. Jake, will you guide us?
JAKE: At your service! Better take my arm, miss. It's gonna be a treacherous hike. I remember the time, Miss B, it was just me and 400 of these big, giant possums.
BERNARD: He doesn't even know how to fold a map.
JAKE: This is how we get around in the outback, Miss B. It's the only way to travel, eh, Berno? Uh, yeah, yeah. It's just a little b a little, uh, bumpy back here. Cinch up your seat belts, mates. We're coming' in for a landing. Hold it! Not yet!
MCLEACH: Well, boy, let's see if we can do something to refresh that rusty old memory of yours. Is she on Satan's Ridge or Nightmare Canyon? What do you think, Joanna? Yeah, that's it. Right smack dab in the middle at Croc Falls! Am I getting' warm?
CODY: I told you, I don't remember. Don't you realize a bird that size is worth a fortune? I'll split the money with you fifty-fifty. You can't get a better offer than that, boy.
CODY: You won't have any money after the Rangers get through with you.
BERNARD: Jake's been gone a long time. Maybe I should go look for him.
MISS BIANCA: Oh, don't you worry about Jake. He can handle himself.
BERNARD: Yeah, I noticed.
MISS BIANCA: I am just sure he'll be back in no time.
BERNARD: You know, now that we're alone, there's something that I've, I've been wanting to, um, to ask you.
MISS BIANCA: Yes, what is it?
BERNARD: Well, it's, uh, it's like this. Miss Bianca, I would be most honored if you...
JAKE: Look out! No mice for you, Twister, not today! There!
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