A Countess from Hong Kong (1967)

transcription of original screenplay written by Charles Chaplin find more trailer
- What's the charge, sister? 
- Half a dollar a dance. 
- You mean them women are countesses? 
- Some are. 
Thank you, sir. 
- I got a ticket to dance with a countess. 
- Go to it, buddy. 
Want to tell the folks back home 
I'm movin' in high society. 
- Oh, pardon me. Can I sit down? 
- Please. 
I've got a ticket to dance. 
You a countess? 
No kiddin'! 
Tell me, how many countesses 
are there around here? 
Oh, quite a few. 
Every statesman, every minister 
and diplomat should dedicate himself... 
to the cause of world peace. 
Ogden, it's Harvey! 
Ogden, are you still at that speech? 
Here we are, China, Hong Kong, 
and you're still trying to save the world. 
Let's get out of here. See the town. 
We're only staying 24 hours. 
Okay, sir. 
Can ya believe it? Hong Kong. 
By golly, I can see a Chinaman. 
I wouldn't be at all surprised. 
Look at them. 
Packed together like sardines. 
That's what I dislike about 
the poor. They have no taste. 
They indulge in squalor. They pick 
the worst neighbourhoods to live in... 
eat the worst kind of food 
and dress atrociously. 
That wasn't a smile. 
That was a gas pain. 
How do you feel, buddy? 
- Depressed. 
- You should be the happiest man 
in the world. 
Six weeks you'll be divorced, 
and possibly the next Secretary of State. 
- We'll wait and see. 
- Here's the day's paper. 
Ogden Mears, multimillionaire, 
son of the richest oilman in the world... 
will be the new 
Secretary of State. 
Let me see that. 
Son of the richest oilman in the world. 
They won't let you forget it. 
That's the burden you must carry. 
Harvey, you're a corrupting influence. 
Maybe, but I didn't lead you 
into politics. 
- What else is there to do? 
- Murder, arson, rape. 
There's plenty of worthy occupations. 
- Crawford, sir. 
- Come in, Crawford. 
Just came over the wire. 
The President has appointed 
Mr Patrick Dowling... 
- Secretary of State. 
- Dowling, huh? 
Well, that's show business. 
- Who the devil is Patrick Dowling? 
- Secretary of State. 
- I'll check for more news. 
- Thank you, Crawford. 
Harvey, I guess you're right. I think 
I'll give up trying to save the world. 
Tonight we're gonna celebrate 
Patrick Dowling's appointment. 
Excuse me, sir. 
Mr Clark has telephoned. 
Mr Clark? Where is he? 
Up in the lounge. 
He says he's on his way down. 
- Show him here. 
- Yes, sir. 
- Who's Clark? 
- He's one of Father's senior directors. 
A venerable old gentleman. 
We don't want to get stuck with that 
old boy for the rest of the evening. 
No, I'll get rid of him. 
Remember you just got over the flu. 
Took a long sea voyage 
to get away from it all. 
- We don't want to be 
visiting parks and museums. 
- Mr Clark, sir. 
Ogden, my dear boy, 
I haven't seen you since 
you were in swaddling clothes. 
I must say you're 
the replica of your father. 
Uh, Mr Clark, may I present 
my friend Harvey Crothers? 
How do you do? 
I beg your pardon. 
Well, sir. 
Hudson tells me you're under the weather 
and here I am ready to show you the town. 
I think perhaps I better stay 
inside and just take things easy. 
Of course, my dear boy. 
I'll not disturb you. 
But before I go, I'd like to introduce 
some very dear friends of mine. 
They're waiting in the lounge. 
Well, certainly. Hudson, would you show 
Mr Clark's friends in? 
- They're alone in the lounge. 
You can't miss them. 
- Yes, sir. 
Well, Ogden, too bad you're not 
up to scratch. I was looking 
forward to showing you around. 
Yes, well, I'm disappointed. 
I was reading about it 
and it sounds fascinating. 
- The botanical gardens and museums... 
- Oh, dear me, dear me. 
Botanical gardens? Ha, ha, ha! 
I think we can do better than that. 
I guess I've been 
reading the wrong book. 
Ogden, these are my friends. 
This is Mr Ogden Mears... 
Mr Harvey Crothers. 
Countess Chiedoff... 
Countess Natascha Alexandrov... 
Baroness Cavanotchy. 
Hello, I'd like a drink. 
No, no, Baroness. 
It's too early. 
Excuse me. 
What will you have, ladies? 
- Champagne. 
- Champagne, champagne. 
No, no, don't turn it off. 
Music complements 
the champagne. 
Too bad you're just 
getting over the flu, Ogden. 
I thought we might go on somewhere 
this evening and take the ladies along. 
But then the night air 
might be dangerous for you. 
Oh, I think if I wrap up well 
it'll be all right. 
Where are the girls? 
I don't know. I think they went to the 
ladies room as soon as you left. 
I must have inspired them 
with the same idea. 
Let me tell you about 
these ladies. Harvey. 
They are the daughters 
of Russian aristocrats. 
Their titles are absolutely genuine. 
Their parents escaped to Shanghai 
during the Russian Revolution. 
Shanghai was a nasty place 
in those days. 
An international settlement 
run by seven nations. 
Because they had no country, 
their life was worthless. 
They could be robbed, murdered. 
Nobody bothered. 
Countess Natascha, 
the one sitting next to you... 
has had rather a sad life. 
She was the mistress 
of a gangster at the age of 14. 
How did the others 
manage to live? 
Many starved, 
others committed suicide. 
Some of the women 
worked in dance halls. 
The men had to compete 
with the cheapest labour because 
they couldn't leave the country. 
I think Harvey 
is very good-looking. 
A lot of good that'll do you. 
He's penniless. 
So what? Haven't you 
any romance in your soul? 
Money makes me romantic. 
I thought Harvey 
was the one with the dough. 
You have poor instincts, my dear. 
It's the other one, Ogden Mears, 
who has the money. 
He's the son of the richest oilman 
in the world, and Natascha's 
got him hooked. 
Mr Ogden? 
He's very attractive. 
Only in her case, 
she's found oil. 
Well, you can have 
your big oilman. 
He's here today 
and gone tomorrow. 
But I shall stick to old Papa Clark. 
He took me away 
from the dance halls. 
Listen, Milton... 
Pardon me, Mr Milton Clark. 
Would you like to dance? 
You're very quiet this evening. 
Am I? I'm sorry. 
Don't apologize. 
I like quiet people. 
They're either clever or dull. 
I would say you're 
one of the clever ones. 
Thank you. 
I'd better keep silent. 
Well, whatever you do, 
it's very attractive. 
- Would you like to dance? 
- No. I'd like to sit here 
and talk with you. 
- I regret I speak English so badly. 
- You speak it beautifully. 
I understand 
you were born in Shanghai. 
Yes. But my parents 
came from Russia. 
And now they've moved 
to Hong Kong? 
My parents died in Shanghai 
when I was 13. 
- Haven't you any brothers or sisters? 
- I was an only child. 
Thirteen, a little young 
to face the world. 
We must all face it 
sooner or later. 
Some more sooner. 
How did you come 
to live in Hong Kong? 
Well, there was another war, 
another revolution. So here we are. 
- But let us talk 
of something more cheerful. 
- I'm sorry. 
- Would you like to dance? 
- I'd love to. 
Congratulations, Your Excellency. You 
are now a Plenipotentiary Extraordinary. 
Will you ring for the steward 
and have him bring some ice water? 
What's this 
Just came over the radio. 
You've been appointed... 
Plenipotentiary Extraordinary 
to the Court of Saudi Arabia. 
I'll never get away 
from the oil business. 
You been sleeping 
on that couch all night? 
What's this? 
Telephone numbers. 
- And this? 
- Some roughneck guy 
got fresh with Natascha... 
- in a nightclub and you clipped him. 
- I clipped him? 
- Steward, sir. 
- Would you bring me some 
Alka-Seltzer and ice water? 
Yes, sir. 
- Who's Natascha? 
- You don't know Natascha? 
You ought to. You were pretty 
clubby with her last night. 
- What do you mean "clubby"? 
- From the verb "club. 
To form an association 
united by a common interest. 
- I don't want to hear any more. 
Where are we? 
- Way out at sea. 
- When did we leave Hong Kong? 
- Two hours ago. 
No, I'm gonna take a bath 
and get myself together. 
- I'll call ya later then. 
- Yeah. 
Uh, Hudson. 
What are you doing, Hudson? 
- Just making a note 
of the telephone numbers. 
- Don't bother with them. 
- Oh! 
- I beg your pardon. 
Did I startle you? 
- Who are you? 
- I'm Natascha. 
Oh, well, how do you do? 
- Are we alone? 
- I don't know. Maybe there's 
somebody under the bed. 
I'm sorry. 
What are you doing 
in that closet? 
- Well, sir, if you'll allow me, 
I'll explain everything. 
- Go ahead. 
I don't know whether you remember 
the Baroness, the Countess and me? 
Get to the point. 
Then you fell asleep, so everyone left, 
but I came back to look for my handbag. 
Enough of that. 
Why are you hiding in that closet? 
I've stowed away. 
- You what? 
- I'm going to America. 
- Are you crazy? 
- Please don't get excited. 
If you let me stay until the purser's 
checked all the passengers... 
I'll leave your cabin 
and will never bother you again. 
If anyone comes, I can hide 
in the bathroom or closet. 
- Who is it? 
- Hudson, sir, with the menu... 
in case you should want lunch 
before the kitchens close. 
Thank you. 
Call later, Hudson. 
You see how simple it is. 
After the purser's checked everyone, 
no one will know 
whether I'm a passenger or not. 
Now look, the best thing for you to do 
is go straight to the Captain 
and tell him what happened. 
You were visiting friends 
and you were left aboard. 
But isn't it awkward if he wants 
to know where I slept all night? 
Of course not! What do you mean? 
Tell him the truth. 
There's nothing to hide. 
- Who is it? 
- Alka-Seltzer, sir. 
Thank you, sir. 
- Look, I must take my bath 
and get dressed now. 
- Yes, of course. 
Do you mind leaving? 
Oh, I'm so sorry. 
I can wait in the next room. 
You don't seem to understand. 
You cannot wait in this suite. 
I have friends coming. 
- But where can I go? 
- That's your problem. 
- Please let me stay 
until the purser's checked everyone. 
- No, no. 
I promise. After tonight, 
you'll never see me again. 
You'll have to leave 
these premises immediately. 
I can't leave dressed like this 
in the middle of the day. 
- However, you can't stay here. 
- I must! 
Well, if you insist, 
I shall have to ring for the purser. 
If you do, I'll scream, tear my clothes 
and swear you tried to attack me. 
- This is blackmail. 
- Yes, blackmail. 
- Oh, no, I didn't mean it. 
That was a stupid thing to say. 
- Certainly was. 
Of course it isn't blackmail. 
I don't want your money. 
I want to get away from Hong Kong. 
- I tried to tell you that last night... 
- You've told me enough. 
You wouldn't let me explain. 
- I'm gonna give you one more chance. 
Are you going to leave this cabin? 
- No. 
- If you ring the bell, I'll scream. 
- We'll see about that. 
- Please, I never meant it. 
- Stand away from that bell. 
- No, I won't. 
- Then I'll ring from the next room. 
Please, please, I beg you! 
Now go ahead and scream. 
Where is that steward? 
- Steward, would you please 
send for the purser? 
- Yes, sir. 
Thank you. 
Don't bother. I'll go. 
Well, I'm sorry, 
but if I succumb to sympathy... 
I'd have the whole world 
on my neck. 
Now, if it's just a question 
of paying your fare to wherever 
you want to go, I'll do that. 
But you have to get off 
at the next stop. 
- It's no use. That's Japan. 
They'll arrest me. 
- Why? 
- I haven't a passport. 
- You haven't a passport? 
How do you expect to land 
in the United States? 
- I'll get in some way. 
- My dear young lady, 
You haven't a chance. 
The best thing for you to do 
is return to Hong Kong. 
I'll talk to the purser and see 
if we can get you a cabin. 
Who is it? 
- The purser, Your Excellency. 
- Oh. 
- Here, in... 
- Oh, yeah. 
Good afternoon, Your Excellency. 
Good afternoon, purser. I'd like to know 
if you have an extra berth or cabin. 
I'm sorry, sir. We haven't a thing. 
We're completely full up. 
There might be something 
at Kobi, but I doubt it. 
- When do we get to Kobi? 
- Tomorrow morning at 11.00, sir. 
- Thank you. 
- Is there anything else 
I can do for Your Excellency? 
No, not a thing. Thank you. 
Well, they're full up. 
- Full up? 
- Yeah. 
We'll manage somehow. 
Will we? Where do you think 
you're gonna sleep tonight? 
As soon as it's dark, 
I can sleep in one of the lifeboats. 
Whatever made you think 
you could get away with this? 
I didn't think. It was an impulse. 
A chance to escape. 
Escape? Escape from what? 
Have you committed a crime? 
Of course not. Escape from despair, 
hopelessness, no future. 
Nothing to look forward to 
but dance halls and prostitution. 
But I am determined 
not to slowly die and rot. 
Well, that's no excuse for your actions. 
There's no excuse 
for many things in this world. 
You're getting off at Kobi, 
the next stop. 
- Then I can stay? 
- Stay? I can't get rid of ya. 
Now do you mind going 
in the other room while I take a bath? 
Not at all, Your Excellency. 
- If anyone knocks, don't answer. 
- No, Your Excellency. 
- Lay off the "Excellency. 
- Yes, sir. 
What are you going to do 
about food? 
It's no hardship to miss 
a meal occasionally. 
- You want me to break down and weep? 
- No, but... 
Well, then, mark down what you want 
on the menu while I lock the door. 
Now, when you hear a knock like this, 
you'll know it's me. 
It's Crawford. 
Come in, Crawford. 
Harvey says not to wait 
for him for lunch. 
He's not feeling too well. 
I think he's got an upset stomach. 
I've got a little 
upset stomach myself. 
Excuse me, sir. The kitchens 
will be closed in ten minutes. 
Oh, here it is. 
Chicken a la king, 
potato au gratin, string beans... 
cauliflower, a glass of milk 
and caramel ice cream... 
with hot chocolate sauce," sir? 
That's about it. 
Oh, no, sir. It's not bad 
for an upset stomach. 
Oh, excuse me. 
Why don't you go to bed? 
I thought I'd wait for you. 
Oh, that is, I don't know where to go. 
You'd better run along 
to your lifeboat. 
It's no laughing matter. 
However, you can sleep 
in the next room. 
- Where are you going to sleep? 
- That's my business. 
There's another bed in the other room, 
if you'd care to sleep there. 
Thank you. I'm sleeping on the sofa. 
I suppose you have 
nothing to sleep in. 
Oh, don't bother. 
- Here, you can use these and this. 
- Thank you. 
I'm sorry I don't have 
any hairpins or toothbrush. 
I feel terrible putting you 
to all this trouble. 
Hmm. You can write me to that effect 
when you're off this boat. 
Come in. 
Ogden, you mustn't. 
Please don't turn the radio down. 
Keep it up. Keep it up. 
Get up out of there. 
Oh, I wish you'd let me sleep here. 
I feel I'm robbing you of your bed. 
You're robbing me of my sleep. 
Look. I'm very comfortable here. 
Oh! Ah! 
- Mr Ogden, are you asleep? 
- Yes. What is it? 
It's Crawford. Harvey's been in bed 
all day with an upset stomach. 
- Can ya give him something? 
- Just a minute. 
- Goodnight, Crawford. 
- Goodnight, boss. 
Now, you get in the other room 
and stay there. 
Be careful. 
These pyjamas are transparent. 
- So are you. 
- Goodnight. 
Come in. 
I believe this is yours. 
- Goodnight. 
- Goodnight. 
Up, come on, get up. 
We're gonna be in Kobi in 15 minutes. 
- Now, what are you 
going to have for breakfast? 
- Oh, anything, sir. 
Two boiled eggs... four minutes... 
a little bacon, toast and coffee. 
Eggs, bacon, toast and coffee. 
- Oh, and hot milk to go with the coffee. 
- Hot milk. 
- Oh, yes, and marmalade. 
- And marmalade. 
Boiled eggs. 
I suppose they're fresh? 
I don't know about the eggs. 
Who is it? 
Steward, sir. 
- Good morning, sir. Breakfast? 
- Yes. 
Two eggs, bacon, toast and coffee, 
hot milk, marmalade. 
That all, sir? 
- Yes, and would you serve it 
in the next room, please? 
- Very good, sir. 
- What were you doing? 
- The bath was overflowing. 
So I turned the taps off. 
Good morning, boss. I just came 
to tell you a batch of reporters... 
got on with the pilot and they're 
waiting now to interview you. 
Morning, Ogden. A batch 
of reporters got on with the pilot. 
- They're waiting to interview you. 
- I can't see anybody before breakfast. 
Say about 11.00? 
They're in the lounge. 
I can keep them busy for a while, 
but it might be a good idea... 
to bring them here and give them a drink 
and sandwich to sweeten them up. 
Harvey, I'll see you after breakfast. 
I have to collect myself. 
Good. Fine. 
I'll see you after breakfast. 
R-Right after breakfast. 
What... What 
do you want, Hudson? 
- To prepare your bath, sir. 
- I've had my bath. 
Just a moment. 
May I have the key, 
if you don't mind? 
- It's Ogden. 
- I beg your pardon, Your Excellency. 
- Is that all, sir? 
- Yes, that's all. 
Thank you, sir. 
It's Ogden. Hurry up. 
- This door is broken. 
- I know. 
- Hurry up and eat your breakfast. 
- Yes, Your Excellency. 
Oh! Like a silver garden. 
How lovely. 
- Hurry up and eat! 
- Oh! Yes, sir. 
I ordered boiled eggs and they've 
scrambled them, but it doesn't matter. 
Will you please hurry up? We're gonna 
be in Kobi in just a few minutes now. 
I'm doing my best, sir. 
You should have been up 
and dressed an hour ago. 
But I haven't got 
any clothes to wear. 
What? Y-You have 
a dress in there! 
That's for the evening. 
I can't appear at 11.00 in the morning 
in an evening dress. 
You should have thought 
about that before. 
Wait. There's a dress shop at the top 
of the stairs. Ladies dress shop. 
- What are your measurements? 
- Hmm? 
- How tall are you? 
- Five foot 7. 
What about around here? 
Never mind that. 
What about here? 
- Modesty forbids. 
- Oh! 
Now, listen. Remember when I leave, 
lock both doors. 
- Good morning, sir. 
- Good morning. 
I'd like to have a lady's suit 
for someone about 5 feet 7. 
I'm afraid we've nothing in stock. 
- What's all this? 
- Samples, sir. Our main stores 
are in London and New York. 
Yes, sir. 
Here. Here's some clothes. 
Yes, sir. 
- Aren't you ready yet? 
- I'm trying to get ready, sir, but... 
You are not trying to get ready. 
I've had just about enough of this. 
- I'm not gonna stand... 
- I gave you my measurements, but... 
Listen, I'm not interested in 
the problem off your measurements. 
- I'm interested in you getting 
out this door right now. 
- What is this for? 
If you're not off this boat 
in two minutes... 
- Who is it? 
- Steward, sir. 
- Yes, sir? 
- Clear these things away. 
Yes, sir. 
- Aren't you ready yet? 
- But it's all too big! 
- Haven't they got something smaller? 
- That's the smallest they have. 
- What am I to do? 
- "Do"? Get dressed and get off the boat! 
Then you'll go as you are. 
In your pyjamas? 
- Take off those pyjamas. 
- Would that look nice? 
Take off those pyjamas 
or I'll tear them off. 
- Oh! 
- You heard what I said. 
- Take 'em off. 
- Oh, please, my nerves. 
- Take them off. 
- Oh, this is silly. 
- You'll see how silly this is. 
- Oh! 
Take 'em off. 
Oh, please. Do you want me 
to call the Captain? 
Oh, but really. 
What are we doing? 
Ooh! Ooh! Oh, dear! 
You'll get off this boat if l... 
Who is it? 
It's Crawford, sir. 
Come in, ladies and gentlemen. 
Please be seated. 
- How do you do? 
- Good morning. 
- Good morning. 
- Good morning. 
Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce 
His Excellency, Ogden Mears? 
- How do you do? 
- Good morning. How many 
in your party, Mr Mears? 
There are three of us, 
Mr Crothers, Mr Crawford and myself. 
- I understand you've been made 
Ambassador to Saudi Arabia. 
- Yes, that's right. 
Are you going 
directly there now? 
No, I'll go to Washington 
for the usual formalities. 
- Is your wife going with you? 
- I hope so. 
Mr Ambassador, 
what is your solution for peace? 
The solution for peace 
lies in man himself. 
In this atomic age 
and the power of military might... 
- Wait, I'll get you a towel. 
- Liberty, freedom and justice... 
are generalities that have been 
quoted as an excuse for aggression. 
- Ah! 
- Nature has given us... 
the, uh, technological ability to... 
...military might, but is built 
on the foundation of peace... 
and goodwill to all men. 
In this atomic age, 
only the morality of man... 
can help him to survive. 
The solution for peace is in truth... 
and tolerance and understanding. 
- Thank you, gentlemen. 
- That will be all, ladies and gentlemen. 
- Refreshments over here, please. 
- Ogden, I've got to talk to you. 
- Not now, old man. 
- But, Ogden! 
I'm sorry. I need rest. 
I'm going back to bed. 
Are you kidding? A dame 
in your bathroom. I went to get a towel. 
I'll talk to you about that later 
on the Promenade Deck. 
She says she's a stowaway 
and she's going to America. 
How did she get 
into your pyjamas? 
Like a fool, I loaned her a pair 
of my pyjamas to sleep in. 
Well, you'll have to pay her off. 
I offered to pay her expenses back 
to Hong Kong, but she won't take it. 
That's peanuts. 
She's out for big dough. 
Why don't you get off the boat 
and leave her flat? 
Too late. 
I've gotta do something. 
I just can't leave her... 
downstairs in that cabin 
with my pyjamas. 
It puts me in a terrible spot. 
What am I gonna do? 
All right. Let's go to lunch 
and afterwards you let me talk to her. 
Mr Mears. 
- Oh! 
- That's all right. This is Mr Crothers. 
You met him this morning 
in the bathroom, I believe. 
- How do you do? 
- Well, I see you've been playing chess. 
- Alone? 
- Yes. 
I took the liberty of putting on 
another pair of your pyjamas... 
after the other one 
had been ripped off. 
- Where's the torn one? 
- I hid it. I didn't think 
you wanted anyone to see it. 
- You think I give a damn who sees it? 
- You spoilt my move. 
Now, now, Ogden. Let's settle 
this thing without any bitterness. 
Natascha, I understand 
you want to go to America. 
- Yes. 
- Good. 
Now, Ogden tells me you have 
neither a passport nor a visa. 
- I don't need them. 
- What makes you think 
you don't need them? 
- Because I haven't got them. 
- Fair enough. 
- See, she's insane. 
- Because I haven't a passport? 
What's the use 
of arguing with her? 
Don't you realize 
that you'll be caught? 
I have no intention 
of being caught. 
- Who is it? 
- Chief Steward, sir. 
Excuse me. Do you mind 
closing all your port-holes, sir? 
Yes, it seems to be 
blowing up out there. 
Just a little sloppy. Nothing serious. 
All clear. 
- What are you hiding for? 
- Me? I don't know. 
However, let's get down to business. 
Natascha, I like you. 
And I think 
I'm a good judge of character. 
You mustn't mind Ogden. 
He's a little abrupt, but he means well. 
Well, you mean well, but he hasn't 
approached you in the right way. 
I'm sure you don't 
want to ruin his career. 
All I want is to get to America. 
Well, that can be arranged, if you'll 
get off at Tokyo and take another boat. 
If you get off at Tokyo, 
I'll give you $25,000. 
You don't seem to understand. 
I don't want money. 
This is a trick and you're 
not getting away with it. 
Natascha, how much 
do you want? 
- I don't want money. 
- And I don't want this. 
- We'll give you $50,000. 
- There's no use in arguing. 
Best thing to do is go to the Captain 
and tell him the whole story. 
Then I'll tell him my side. How you 
kidnapped me, locked me in your cabin... 
and after attacking me, 
tried to get rid of me. 
Do you think I give 
a hoot for your threats? 
Now, wait a minute. 
This is getting us nowhere. 
Ogden, you can catch 
more flies with honey... 
than you can with... 
With what? 
Well, I'd say mustard or vinegar. 
Mustard and vinegar? 
What's that got to do with it? 
Well, you can get more 
with honey. Honey, huh. 
Now, listen, "Natischa. 
If Ogden goes to the Captain... 
he'll believe him before he'll believe 
you, and you'll be sent to jail. 
If you'll get off the boat at Tokyo 
without a scandal, we'll give you $ 75,000. 
I don't want money. 
Ogden, you're dealing 
with an odd character. 
This is a hold-up. 
I'm going straight to the Captain. 
Don't do anything rash, Ogden. 
Ogden, before you do anything... 
What do you think 
you're doing? Oh. 
Harvey, ring for some ice water. 
You leave this cabin immediately. 
- Well, good morning, Ogden. 
- Hello, Harv. 
- How do you feel? 
- Wonderful. 
Good. Say, you had 
quite a siege of it. 
For a while there, 
I thought it was serious. 
It was a touch of the old malaria. 
I get it every once in a while. 
- But now I feel great. 
- Good. 
- Say, uh, how's 
the situation down below? 
- I don't know what to think. 
She stayed up two days and nights 
dosing me with quinine... 
and taking my temperature. 
She wanted to send for the ship's doctor 
when she thought it was serious. 
Of course I stopped her. 
Three days we arrive in Honolulu, 
then she says she'll disappear. 
- I'll miss her. 
- So will I. 
I'll miss the tension, 
the excitement of it all. 
We were wondering 
what had become of you. 
- Well, l... 
- I hope you haven't been seasick. 
- Actually, it was quite something else. 
- Everybody's been seasick. 
At least it'll give them 
something to talk about at dinner. 
How sick they were, 
what they ate. 
Daddy says it's surprising 
what people will talk about 
to make themselves interesting. 
- I can't do that. 
- Oh, yes, you can. 
I'll show you. 
There. Isn't it wonderful? 
I think dancing 
stimulates conversation. 
Wasn't it Aristotle who used to walk 
and lecture around the Lyceum 
and talk of the soul? 
Though Daddy says he never had 
a clear idea of what the soul is. 
But Daddy has. 
He says the soul is desire. 
And that the whole of life is desire. 
I think it's a wonderful idea. 
Well, if you can't shimmy, 
we'll just dance ordinary. 
Do you believe 
in the immortality of the soul? 
- Well... 
- Daddy does. He believes 
that when we die... 
our souls go on until they're 
reborn again through love. 
- Love? 
- You don't believe in love? 
- Well, I... 
- Daddy does. 
He loves everybody, 
except the Communists. 
- You're in the Diplomatic Service, 
aren't you? 
- Yes. 
How boring it must be 
to be diplomatic to everyone. 
- But you're Ambassador 
to Arabia, aren't you? 
- Yes, l... 
- Have you been there before? 
- Oh, yes. 
- Do tell me about it. I adore Arabs. 
- Well, the Arabs are very inter... 
Quite a crowd tonight. 
You'd never suspect that most 
of them have been seasick. 
Her empty chair is next to mine 
in the dining room. 
I'm so intrigued to see 
what she looks like. 
It's Harvey! 
Well, l-I see you're 
enjoying yourself. 
I thought I'd come see that you 
weren't getting into any mischief. 
- Mischief? 
- Well, it's a difficult situation. 
I'll be glad when it's over. 
- You really think you'll be able 
to land in the States? 
- Oh, yes. 
I sincerely wish you all the luck 
in the world. I know Ogden does. 
Oh, yes, he... 
He speaks very well of you. 
That's surprising. 
Well, it's all difficult. 
These close quarters. He's very 
suspicious. You're very attractive. 
That's what he's fighting against. 
He seems to have won. 
it started out the wrong way. 
But he'll miss you. 
Oh, yes. He said so himself. 
He'll be only too glad 
to get rid of me. 
I don't know. 
- What's he doing upstairs? 
- Dancing with some young blonde. 
- Is she pretty? 
- Well, she's young. 
Hey, what are you doing? 
You put the five in the wrong place. 
Electrician to fix the lights 
in the sitting room and bedroom. 
- Could you come back in half an hour? 
- Very well, sir. 
It's the electrician to fix the lights 
here and in the bedroom. 
They've been here every ten minutes, 
rapping on the door. 
- Now they have a passkey. 
- I don't like that passkey business. 
I think you'd be safer upstairs dancing. 
- Ogden would be furious. 
- Not when I tell him about 
the electrician with the passkey. 
Well, if I'm caught, it's better 
to be upstairs than down here. 
Now that's the spirit! If you stay 
down here, you'll go stir crazy. 
- You stay here. I'll find Ogden. 
- Don't leave me alone! 
No. No. I'll only be a minute. 
- Excuse me. May I have this dance? 
- Harvey! 
No, it's all right. How do you do? 
I'll meet you back here. 
Why aren't you dancing, Captain? 
I was just about to ask 
this very attractive young lady. 
You better be nice to him. 
We're all under his control. 
I've been wondering about 
the immortality of the soul. 
Change your partners. 
Change your partners. 
I don't think I've seen you 
throughout the voyage. 
- Of course, you're the lady 
who's been confined to her cabin. 
- Yes, yes. 
It's a pity you're such a poor sailor. 
However, that's our misfortune. 
- Change your partners. 
- Thank you so much. 
Why did you leave the room? 
The electricians wanted to fix the lights. 
They have a passkey. 
- You mean they saw you? 
- Of course not. 
- Harvey answered the door. 
- What was he doing there? 
I'm lucky he was there. 
Otherwise, they would have seen me. 
- What were you 
and the Captain talking about? 
- He asked if I was enjoying the trip. 
- What did you tell him? 
- I said every moment of it. 
Change your partners. 
Natascha! What are you 
doing away from Hong Kong? 
- I'm going to San Francisco. 
- Alone? 
- I'm looking for a job. 
- You don't have to look far. 
I'll give you a job. 
Oh, no. I'm not looking 
for that kind of work. 
Where have you been? 
I haven't seen you around the whole trip. 
- I've been confined to my cabin. 
- Hiding from someone? 
- I've been very sick. 
- Where is your cabin? 
- None of your business. 
- All right, I'll find out from the purser. 
- Let's go to the bar and have a drink. 
- No, I'm very tired. I'm going to bed. 
- I'll go with you. 
- No, you won't. 
- Then have a drink. 
- I'm going straight to my cabin. 
You can't get rid of me. 
I'm either going to your cabin 
or we're going to have a drink. 
I'll have a drink. 
- I told her to meet me here. 
- Where are they? 
Oh, there they are at the bar. 
- I wonder what they're talking about. 
- Let's go and listen. 
- Yes, sir. 
- A martini. 
- And you? 
- Beer. 
Hey, come on, honey, 
where is your cabin? 
- Wouldn't you like to know? 
- Come clean, honey. 
Don't play the virgin. 
Virgin? What's that? 
I see I'll have to teach you 
the facts of life. 
Now, listen, honey, l... 
- Still playing hard to get? 
- No, hard to please. 
What's wrong with me? 
Have I got leprosy or something? 
Whether I have or not, 
I'm going with you. 
They must be in the other corridor. 
I'll go 'round, meet them face on. 
- Natascha, come on. 
- Really, I must say goodnight. 
- Why the anticlimax? 
- Hello, chum! How've you been? 
- Say, how's the wife? 
- Who are you? 
Are you kidding? I'm the brother 
of that guy who sold you the used Pontiac. 
- Let's have a drink. 
- I don't know you. 
Of course you do. You've been talking 
to my sister all night. 
- That's not your sister. 
- It's not my uncle. 
I hope you enjoyed yourself, 
letting everybody know you were here. 
Flaunting and parading 
around this ship. 
What are you trying to do? 
Ruin my career, destroy me? 
I was beginning to 
believe in you, trust you. 
I thought there was something decent, 
something worthwhile. 
But you're just a common harlot. 
Dragging me into 
your sordid intrigues. 
Leering into the face 
of that stupid paramour of yours. 
Why don't you go hide 
in his cabin? 
- Why don't you torment him? 
- I won't torment you any longer. 
It has not been cheerful for me either 
to endure your contempt every day. 
I thought I could take it, but I can't. 
You win. 
No. No, I won't. 
You're crazy. 
- Where you going? 
- To the purser and give myself up. 
Oh, don't worry. I'll keep your 
spotless reputation out of it. 
I'll tell him I've been hiding 
in second class. 
Why this sudden change 
in attitude? 
- Why yours? 
- You know why. 
Good morning, purser. 
Could you tell me the cabin 
number of Miss Natascha... 
I don't know her other name, 
but I know her quite well. 
- Perhaps you mean Miss Gaulswallow. 
- Who? 
- Yeah, I guess so. 
- I don't think she wants 
to be disturbed. 
Okay, but I'd like to 
send her some flowers. 
Flowers for Miss Gaulswallow. 
Oh, dear, dear. 
I don't know him. 
Take them away. 
They take up all the oxygen. 
They take up all the oxygen. 
Anna Pooh, my old friend. 
Oh, that red tongue! 
Take my Russian friend away. 
He's too big 
and I don't like his red tongue. 
Ohh, ohh, more colours. 
Oh, not that. 
No more of that. 
I don't like the green either. 
Put that right away. 
Ooh! How awful. 
In the drawer, please. 
Give me the chocolates. 
The Captain, madam. 
Well, l... l... 
Oh, how nice of you. 
Oh, how perfectly charming. 
Nurse, will you 
put these by the port-hole? 
Just the sort of thing 
my nephews will enjoy. 
My thermometer. 
Give it to me. 
I'll shake the thing myself. 
Nurse, where's 
my thermometer? 
I've lost my thermometer. 
Or did I swallow it? 
Come in! 
What was that? 
Something flew in and then flew out. 
Must have been a bat. 
The man that looked after you since 
you were 14, was he a White Russian? 
Was he married? 
Yes. Separated from his wife. 
He was a desperate man. 
They say he was a gangster, 
but he was very kind to me. 
God knows what I would have 
done without him. 
Did you love him? 
I was too young. 
How old was he? 
Sixty-three when he died. 
What's the matter? 
Me? Nothing. 
- Are you sure? 
- Of course. 
At 10.00 I have to look for Crawford 
and send some cablegrams. 
You look worried. 
I'm just wondering 
how you're going to land in the States. 
Please don't worry about it. 
You have to be realistic. 
In two days, you're going to be in Hawaii. 
Yes, I'm getting off there. 
It will be easier getting 
into the States that way. 
- Suppose you get into trouble. 
- Whatever happens, 
you won't be involved. 
You have to be realistic, face facts. 
What are your plans? 
I can supply you with money, 
but supposing you do get into trouble? 
- I'd like to be of some help. 
- Please don't feel obligated. 
The moment we arrive in Honolulu, 
I shall have vanished. 
You're so remote, so alone. 
That's what saddens me. 
Don't be sad. That's too easy. 
Be like me. 
- At this moment, I'm very happy. 
- This moment. 
That's all we can ask for. 
This moment. 
There'll be many moments. 
I wonder. 
Of course. 
Our lives are so different, 
so far apart. 
No need to be, if we're discreet. 
I hate to leave, but it's 10.00 
and I have to send those cablegrams. 
Oh. Don't worry. 
I want to help, and I can. 
But I must know your plans. 
And meanwhile, don't vanish. 
We still have two more days. 
I won't. 
It's Harvey. 
Good morning. 
I just met your boyfriend 
who pursued you last night. 
He's still roaming the boat, 
looking for your room number. 
Am I intruding? 
Two more days. 
Yep. I could see it coming. 
Both of you falling in love. 
I don't know about Ogden... 
but this is a new experience for me. 
Well, it happens in the best 
of regulated families. 
I don't want to fall in love. 
I think he's very fond of you. 
However, if you ever got into trouble, 
his friendship could be very useful. 
Oh, it's all so hopeless. 
I don't agree. 
Well, in two days, it will be over. 
- You're leaving at Honolulu? 
- Yes. 
- Have you thought about 
what you're going to do? 
- I have a plan. 
Well, it better be a good one. 
If I tell you, promise me 
you won't tell Ogden. 
- Why? 
- He's very conservative. He might object. 
- What are you going to do? 
- Dive off the boat. 
Oh, honey, where did you get that idea? 
You'll break your neck! 
Oh, no, no. In Hawaii, they come 
in little boats and dive for money. 
Some climb aboard 
and dive off the boat. I can do that. 
How fortunate that 
my chair's next to yours. 
Now we can talk. 
I'm interrupting your reading. 
How inconsiderate of me. 
Nothing's more annoying than to have 
someone interrupt your reading. 
Daddy says it's a lack 
of consideration for other people. 
Where's your friend, the Ambassador? 
He seems to have erased himself 
completely during the voyage. 
Daddy says that people who erase 
themselves have a profound shyness... 
which really means that they're 
afraid of exposing themselves. 
Oh, the silence is frightening. 
Would you like some more music? 
Mrs Martha Mears, 
wife of Ambassador Ogden Mears... 
will await her husband's arrival 
in Honolulu this evening. 
Rumours have been rife that 
the Ambassador and his wife... 
are getting a divorce. 
Nevertheless, Mrs Mears says she will 
accompany her husband to Washington. 
- He's getting a divorce! 
- Excuse me. 
Your wife's waiting for you in Honolulu. 
It just came over the radio. 
I know. I just got a telegram. 
She's coming aboard this evening 
and she's not getting a divorce. 
What about Natascha? 
That's the problem. 
You've got to think fast. 
We arrive at 9.30. 
- You've got to get her out of your cabin! 
- Where's she gonna go? 
- She can sleep in my cabin. 
- That's out. 
You didn't let me finish. 
I could double in 
with Crawford or Hudson. 
Crawford and Hudson 
are staying with two other fellows. 
- You can't let her stay where she is. 
- Obviously not. 
I've got it. You can say 
she's married to Hudson. 
- Hudson? 
- Say, that's an idea. If she was married 
to an American citizen... 
she could get into the States 
without any trouble. 
- You wish to see me, sir? 
- Yes, Hudson. Sit down. 
Thank you, sir. 
- Would you like a drink? 
- Uh, no, thank you, sir. 
Uh, Hudson, you are 
an American citizen, aren't you? 
I've been an American citizen 
for the past 16 years, sir. 
- Good. I want you to do me a favour. 
- Yes, sir. 
You remember that attractive lady 
I was dancing with last night? 
I do, sir. 
Well, I want you to marry her. 
- Marry who, sir? 
- The lady I just mentioned. 
It'll only be a temporary affair, 
and afterwards, you can get a divorce. 
If I may say so, sir, 
this is rather sudden. 
I think I will take 
a brandy after all, sir. 
I agree it's somewhat extemporaneous, 
but it's a matter of urgency. 
If the lady is married to 
an American citizen... 
she'll have little trouble 
getting into the States. 
And when does all this 
happen, sir? 
In about ten minutes. 
- I still have to speak 
to the lady, of course. 
- She doesn't know yet? 
Oh, no, not yet. But don't worry. 
We're arranging that. 
I think you should 
be married before lunch. 
You will have a brandy? 
Make it a double, if you please, sir. 
Double brandy, please. 
I'll have the same. Thank you. 
If I might ask a rather 
connubial question, sir... 
what happens this evening, 
that is, tonight? 
After the marriage. 
Oh, nothing that 
concerns you, Hudson. 
You'll be sleeping in the same room, 
but in different beds. 
I think you should be 
getting yourself ready. 
I think you can wear an ordinary 
lounge suit for the wedding. 
- Yes, sir. 
- Fine. 
And while you're getting dressed, 
I'll talk to the lady. 
Thank you. 
What's this I hear? 
I'm to marry Hudson? 
- Well, it's an emergency. 
- Yes, but Hudson! 
It'll solve all our problems. 
You'll be married to an American citizen. 
You'll have little trouble 
getting into the States, 
and afterwards you can get a divorce. 
I've got nothing to wear. 
I can't get married in your pyjamas. 
It's all arranged. Captain'll 
be down in a couple minutes. 
- What did you tell him? 
- I gave him a line about how 
her papers blew overboard. 
She met Hudson, they fell in love. 
Well, the Captain's on. 
He understands the situation, 
but it's gonna cost you dough. 
- How's the happy bride? 
- I wish I were back in Hong Kong. 
That's the Captain. 
- How do you do, sir? 
- How do you do? 
This is to be kept 
strictly confidential. 
- I understand, Mr Mears. 
- Mr Harvey has explained everything. 
Good. I assure you 
it will be deeply appreciated. 
We're only too pleased 
to help out in such matters. 
- Who is it? 
- Hudson, sir. 
- You're late. 
- I'm sorry, sir. 
Captain, I'd like to present Hudson, 
the, uh, bridegroom. 
How do you do? 
Now, where's the bride? 
Oh, I believe 
she's still dressing. 
Are you ready? 
Oh, the Captain. 
It's all too big. Nothing fits! Look! 
You're losing weight. 
You've been dieting too much. 
Let's get on with it. 
Countess, bridegroom. 
Mr Harvey, you're the best man. 
Mr Ogden, the witness. 
We'll fill out the forms later. 
Now then. 
Do you, Henry Lewisham 
Arthur Hudson... 
take this woman to be 
your lawful wedded wife... 
till death do you part? 
Oh! Oh! 
- Well, he's just over-excited. 
- Water! 
Hudson, whatever 
made you faint? 
I suppose it was the excitement 
of those drastic words. 
- Drastic? 
- "Till death do us part. 
- That's no reflection on you, madam. 
- Now what's going to happen? 
That's what I would like to know. 
Nothing's going to happen. 
You'll retire as usual. 
Hudson will sleep in the same room, 
but in the other bed of course. 
- I hope so. 
- The other bed. The one near the door. 
Just not to obfuscate matters. 
Listen, this marriage 
is just a formality. 
- The moment we get ashore, 
I want a divorce. 
- Whatever your desire is. 
I am always at your service. 
Hudson, don't let 
the champagne go to your head. 
- Better go to bed. 
- Very well, sir. Goodnight, Mr Ogden. 
- Goodnight. 
- Goodnight, Mr Harvey. 
Madam, I presume 
I'll see you later. 
Where are you going? 
There's the bedroom. 
The whole thing is an awful mess. 
- This is Harvey's idea. 
- Why can't I sleep on the sofa? 
- Natascha, let's don't go 
into all that again. 
- Where do you sleep? 
I have to sit up and explain 
the situation to Martha. 
Why don't you have the Captain explain? 
He's gone ashore. 
If Martha finds you here without 
an explanation, it's gonna create scandal. 
I hate to interrupt. 
But I think Martha just 
drove up in a Cadillac. 
- Natascha, please go to bed! 
- How can I with that man? 
There's no lock on this door. 
- That man is crazy. 
- Oh, Natascha, please go to bed. 
To think of having to do all this 
to get a passport. Huh! 
- Ice water, sir. 
- Oh. 
- I'll check to see 
if Martha's arrived yet. 
- Okay. 
In the excitement, 
I forgot to brush my teeth. 
Hudson, find me some pyjamas. 
Oh, you've got mine on. 
Find me something to sleep in. 
- Hasn't she arrived yet? 
- No, not yet. Expected momentarily. 
- I'm so nervous. 
- Natascha, don't worry. 
Please, don't worry. Everything will 
work out the minute we get you ashore. 
- Do you require a valise, sir? 
- No, I'll take them. 
Thank you. 
- Now, trust me. 
- Hmm. 
- Goodnight, Hudson. 
- Goodnight, sir. 
It's Harvey! 
I just heard from Martha. 
She won't be coming aboard 
till 12.00 tomorrow. 
Goodnight, Harv. 
- Hudson, in the other room. 
I'm sleeping here tonight. 
- Oh. 
- Goodnight, sir. 
- Goodnight. 
Oh! Oh. 
May I come in? 
Excuse me. My medicine. 
Mr Hudson? 
Mr Hudson, your tea. 
- Oh! Wait a moment! 
- Oh! 
Good morning, sir. 
Good morning, madam. 
Your tea. 
- Would you like to order breakfast, sir? 
- Hmm? 
I think I'll have the oatmeal porridge, 
the English pork sausages... 
Oh, pardon me, madam. 
What would you like for breakfast? 
Eggs and bacon, 
toast and coffee. 
Eggs and bacon, 
toast and coffee. 
I hate to disturb you, 
but there's a little trouble... 
about Mrs Hudson's papers 
having been blown overboard. 
They say the marriage isn't legal unless 
she produces her identification papers. 
What do they expect the lady to do, 
jump in the middle of the Pacific Ocean 
to recover her papers? 
Unfortunately, there's a report 
that a lady stowaway is aboard, 
and they're taking every precaution. 
What's a stowaway got to do with it? 
All that's involved is a marriage. 
You were witness to that. 
You married them. 
Nevertheless, they want 
to see the lady's passport. 
She doesn't need a passport 
to go ashore in Honolulu. 
She's married to an American citizen. 
Quite so. But if her papers 
of identification are missing... 
then a marriage at sea 
is not recognized. 
She's an alien and will have to go 
before an Immigration board of enquiry. 
The purser's asked to see you, sir. 
Yes, of course. I'll see him right away. 
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. 
It's time for me to disappear. 
Why? The Captain married you, 
and that's a legal fact. 
- But the marriage has not 
yet been consummated, sir. 
- Yet? Hmph. 
Hudson, your mind 
is running in another channel. 
The important thing is the papers. 
What are you gonna tell them 
about the papers? 
Mr Ogden didn't tell me 
anything about papers. 
Her identification papers, 
her birth certificate, her passport! 
We've been all through that with you. 
What are you gonna tell them? 
- Oh, that. I shall tell them the truth, 
as you told me. 
- As I told you? 
As you told me to tell it. 
I didn't tell you anything. 
You remember that. Go ahead. 
I can only tell them 
how I met my first wife. 
How you first met 
your wife. Oh! 
It was a breezy afternoon. 
I was walking on the top deck... 
and there she was, holding 
down some papers in her lap. 
- It was love at first sight. 
- Ugh! 
- Hurry up and get to the point, Hudson. 
- Yes, sir. 
Suddenly, there was a gust of wind, 
and the papers blew overboard. 
Hudson, you have literary talent. 
We better go, Mr Hudson. 
The Immigration officials are waiting. 
No, now wait Just one moment. 
I think I should go with Hudson. 
An excellent idea. 
Your presence will be efficacious. 
- Would you like me to go along? 
- No, stay here and look after Natascha. 
Don't worry. 
Mr Mears, I think we better go. 
Come along, Hudson. 
- Harvey, you remember what 
I told you about Honolulu? 
- You're not going to dive off the boat? 
- Now is the time. 
While they're questioning Hudson. 
- I'll see you on the beach at Waikiki. 
- Mm-hmm. 
- If I'm far off, jump up and down, 
then I'll recognize you. 
- Mm. 
So if I make it, 
I'll see you later. 
Hmm. Here's another one. 
If you make it? 
Wait a minute! 
What do you mean, "If you make it"? 
- I'm scared. 
- What? 
And here goes. 
What's going on out there? 
That's a Hawaiian 
diving off the boat. 
Now, Mr Hudson, 
we'd like to see your wife. 
I believe she's taking a bath. 
Oh, my. How nice. 
Maria, qu'avez vous fait 
de nos bagages? 
J'en ai gardT quartre et je vais renvoyer 
le reste par l'American Express. 
- Comme vous me l'avez demandT. 
- C'est bon. 
- Est-ce que c'est votre suite? 
- Je crois. 
- Ah, Martha! 
- Hello, Harvey. 
- Oh, what comfortable quarters you have. 
- Oh, yes. 
Lovely. Where's Ogden? 
Uh, he's up in the lounge 
with Hudson. 
You know, Hudson's married now. 
Hudson married? 
Oh, really? That's odd. 
Yes. Ah, well, 
the Captain married them. 
- Can I get you something? 
- No, it's much too early. 
Captain, this is 
Mrs Ogden Mears. 
- How do you do? Pardon me. 
- How do you do? 
- We're still waiting for Mrs Hudson. 
- She's taking a bath. 
She should be finished. 
I'll go and see. 
Can I get you something, Captain? 
- No, thanks. But if you 
don't mind my waiting. 
- Quite all right. 
- Hello, Martha. 
- Hello, Ogden. 
Well, you've met the Captain. 
- Yes, of course. 
- We're looking for Mrs Hudson. 
The Immigration officers are in the lounge 
and I don't like to keep them waiting. 
- Not in the bathroom. I looked all over. 
- It's very serious. 
Without her identification papers, 
she can't land anywhere. She doesn't exist. 
- If she doesn't exist, 
there's no problem. 
- I think we should look for her. 
It might be a good idea if you had 
another look in the bathroom. 
Martha, would you excuse us 
for a moment? 
All right, Captain. 
- Waikiki? 
- Hop in the back, sister. 
Thank you! 
Whew! That's the strangest thing 
I've ever known. 
She's disappeared. 
I think we better search 
the entire boat. 
Good morning, madam. 
Congratulations, Hudson. 
I hear you're married now. 
Well, in a way, yes. 
Hudson, what do you mean? 
The marriage has not yet 
been consummated. 
- What is she, an American? 
- No, madam, she is from Hong Kong. 
- Chinese? 
- I shouldn't think so, madam. 
She is a Russian emigrT. 
- Well, I should like to meet her. 
- I'll do my best, madam. 
Hudson, it seems as though 
your wife has disappeared. 
Oh, that's awful. 
Poor Hudson. 
- I was beginning to grow 
very fond of her. 
- What have you done to the lady? 
Oh, nothing, madam. 
The marriage was never consummated. 
You've got "consummated 
on the brain. 
- I think I'll go ashore 
and do some shopping. 
- I think I'll go with you, Harvey. 
Don't go yet, Ogden. 
I've just ordered lunch, 
and there's one or two things 
I'd like to discuss with you. 
I'll stay and have something with you. 
What has madam ordered? 
- A consummated soup, sir. 
- What's that? 
ConsommT, sir. 
- Cold chicken, asparagus 
and a bottle of Chablis. 
- I'll have the same. 
- I'll see you both later. 
- The Waikiki Hotel at 5.30 
for cocktails. 
Uh, you may go, Hudson. 
- Did you hear from Washington? 
- I got this letter this morning. 
Here's the substance of it: 
To allay rumours of divorce, 
Martha and you should return 
to the States together. 
I advise this because of my 
great affection for you both. 
Etc., etc., etc. 
If this arrangement 
doesn't work out... 
how will it affect 
my divorce settlement? 
You can put that in escrow. 
Unfortunately, the only interest I have 
is money, having had no children. 
- Am I to blame for that? 
- No. 
No, neither one of us is to blame. 
The desire for happiness 
fooled us both. 
Happiness, eh? 
I was going to say "love"... 
but I don't think either one of us 
knows what the word means. 
In any case, what are you 
gonna do about Washington? 
I don't look forward to spending 
the rest of my life in Saudi Arabia. 
She has long, dark hair, 
wears a sarong... 
and looks like a Hawaiian. 
A lot of dames look 
like that around here. 
She said she'd meet me 
on the beach at Waikiki. 
- I think she's kidding you. 
- Maybe. 
- Where's the beach at Waikiki? 
- That's the Waikiki Hotel. 
- Can I check this suitcase, please? 
- Certainly, sir. 
- What name? 
- Harvey Crothers. 
Check Mr Crothers' case 
into the cloakroom. 
- Is the Waikiki Beach near here? 
- It's just outside, sir. 
That's strange. 
I can't stop! 
Oh! All this jumping up and down 
is like running ten miles. 
It's so good 
to see you again. 
Let's sit down. 
I didn't think I'd see you again 
after that dive. It was perfect. 
- What's happening on the boat? 
- They're still waiting for you 
in the lounge. 
- And Ogden? 
- He's with his wife. 
I bought you some clothes. 
Oh, I know the other ones were too big. 
These are smaller. There's a place 
You can change next to the pool. 
Meanwhile, I'll book you a room 
at the hotel. 
- They might be looking for Mrs Hudson. 
- Not a chance. 
I'll book them under my name. 
For the time being, 
you're Mrs Harvey Crothers. 
- Remember me? 
- Yes, sir. 
- I'd like an outside suite. 
- Certainly. For yourself? 
- For my wife. 
I'm leaving for the mainland. 
- Very well. 
- Do you wish to see the rooms now? 
- No, I'll wait for my wife. 
- Fine. 
- Well, here she... 
- Well! 
- It doesn't fit. This is too tight. 
I can't breathe. 
You dropped your change. 
Will you sign the register, 
Mrs Crothers? 
- C-R-O... 
- T-H... 
She's not here. 
- Let's have some tea. 
- Yeah. 
Ah, there he is. 
I'm sorry I'm late. 
I had to leave Ogden with 
the Immigration authorities. 
- It seems they're still 
looking for Hudson's wife. 
- Ah, yes. 
There she is. 
Hudson, you haven't been 
drinking before lunch? 
The poor man is so distressed 
since his wife went away. 
That's the third person 
he's mistaken for his wife. 
Oh, I beg your pardon. 
Martha, this is my wife, Mrs Crothers. 
- Mrs Ogden Mears. 
- How do you do? 
How do you do? 
You know, Harvey is so secretive. 
He never told me a word 
about his marriage. 
Well, there's not much to tell. 
We haven't been married long. 
Have we? 
As soon as something develops, 
we'll let you know. 
No, I mean, 
when did you marry? 
That's the secret. 
However, you must bring 
your wife to Arabia... 
once we've refurbished 
the Embassy, but not before... 
otherwise you'll have to sleep 
in a tent like the rest of us. 
- That depends with whom you share it. 
- Hmm. 
- Martha, would you like to dance? 
- I'd love it. 
It'll give me a chance to give 
some advice to the lovelorn. 
This is the first chance I've had 
to speak to you alone. 
There's very little time, 
and I've a lot to tell you. 
Harvey will be staying behind, 
so I'll be in touch with you through him. 
He'll be working on 
a passport for you. 
Martha's coming with me. 
That's what I want 
to talk to you about. 
I got a letter from Washington saying 
that Martha should go with me... 
to Saudi Arabia 
for appearances' sake. 
Of course. 
Please try to understand. 
Of course. 
For appearances' sake. 
For the esteem of people 
I don't give a damn about. 
If I had the guts, 
I'd rid myself of the whole thing: 
Washington, Saudi Arabia and everything. 
You can't do that. 
Be careful. 
We're being watched. 
The legal eye is upon us. 
You must believe me when I tell you this 
is the first real happiness I've known. 
I love you very much. 
- Your wife looks sad. 
- You think so? 
What nonsense. 
She's not your wife. 
- Martha, you're being silly! 
- Not as silly as you think. 
I've been talking to someone 
who knew her in Hong Kong. 
The boat passes here at 11.00. 
I'll be on deck imagining that 
you're sitting here at this table. 
Let's dance. 
I can't. 
I must go to my room 
before your wife returns. 
I can't say goodbye. 
I can't trust myself. 
Will you excuse me? 
Well, goodbye. 
Harvey will take care of everything. 
All right. Thank you. 
What's happened to Mrs Crothers? 
She had a splitting headache 
and asked to be excused. 
- She won't be seeing us off? 
- I don't think so. 
- She's going straight to bed. 
- Can't we go and see her for a moment? 
- It'll be best to let her rest quietly. 
- Pardon me, madam. 
- It's time to leave for the boat. 
- Oh, so soon? 
Hudson, I will need these three closets 
and Mr Mears can have the end one. 
Very well, madam. 
Your big trunks 
I'm having put in the hold... 
so there'll be more room 
for madam's wardrobe. 
Okay, Hudson. 
- Hudson, have you found your wife yet? 
- Not yet, madam. 
Surely you're not going 
to leave without her. 
Whatever happens, I shall deport myself 
as a husband and a gentleman. 
Oh! What's this? 
Hudson, does this 
belong to your wife? 
I haven't the faintest idea. 
We haven't been married that long. 
Perhaps you might know something 
about this, Your Excellency. 
It looks like a two-ring circus. 
Ogden, you must be losing 
your sense of propriety. 
You not only humiliate me 
in front of people... 
but you insult my intelligence 
by introducing that woman 
as Mrs Harvey Crothers... 
and then again as Mrs Hudson 
when she's sleeping here in your cabin. 
As Ambassador to Saudi Arabia, 
it is not exactly comme il faut... 
to include in your entourage, 
the mistress of a gangster. 
A prostitute. 
I wonder what your fate would have 
been in similar circumstances. 
- Hello, Harvey? Ogden. 
- Haven't you left yet? 
- No, I got off with the pilot boat. 
- What happened? 
I don't know. 
I just couldn't take it. 
Aren't you going to Washington? 
What about your career? 
I'd rather be happy 
than president. 
Listen, where is everybody? 
- You know who, your wife. 
- I think you mean my wife. 
Hudson's giving me 
an argument here. 
She came down 
to the cabaret after you left... 
and she's been by the window, 
looking out at the sea ever since. 
- Did you tell her the news? 
- I told her there was nothing 
to worry about. 
The Immigration people have 
given her the benefit of the doubt. 
She's now Hudson's wife, 
married to an American citizen. 
Listen, don't tell her I'm here. 
I want to surprise her. 
- Well, buddy, I hope you're 
doing the right thing. 
- Where is she? 
Right where you left her, 
sitting by the window. 
Yes, sir? 
I'm looking for a young lady. I believe 
she's sitting alone by the window. 
Yes, sir. 
See, you can't get rid of me. 
May I have this dance? 

G H I. J K L